An interview with myself:
An interview with myself:
Simple, yeah? Someone asked me that question recently, actually. “What do you want to say?”
Szabadság Híd: the Liberty Bridge. Designed by János (John) Feketeházy (Blackhouse) and originally named after Austro-Hungarian Emperor Franz Jozsef, it was opened on October 4th 1896, which everyone must know as my grandmother’s birthday.
This was to be the scene of my final crime.
The illustration above is literally a look inside my mind. That’s a year of journals – April 2012 to April 2013. Now sitting in a landfill. Right before I pitched the entire compendium into a garbage chute, to fall 11 stories into unstoried silence. That was the way I felt – that the thought trains running along my tracks were irrelevant. And plus I would just have to throw them out when Hungary sent me home. Get rid of them now. They hurt – they’re too heavy. So I stacked them, 5 wide, on my coffee table and took video before I pitched them. But my phone was stolen. I wrote pretty much constantly while I was awake. Much of it in email, so I still have that. But of all this – more than doubled, all I have is this picture.
I have another blog, and tried to log into it the other day, but couldn’t remember the password, so I requested a change. They responded by telling me that, as per 2-step verification, a code had been set to my number. A Hungarian number. I have the phone but the battery is dead. The charger is apparently still at the hospital. I’d activated 2-step verification in a fit of delusional paranoia; I don’t, under normal circumstances, even feel safe with security questions. There’s a chance I’ll get them wrong.
The irony is I considered the blog complete, by itself … but there are dozens of posts in the drafts folder that I didn’t publish and don’t have – and right about now, they feel very, very important. So I spent all day yesterday trying to find a human on WordPress. Difficult, but I found, hidden in a deep, dark corner of the netherweb, a form.
I hope it works.
My life ended in April, 2012 – I’d seen the end careening through my blinders of denial for months. Only months, though. Essentially, I was surprised. And I still have to keep reminding myself: it was just one of my lives.
When a relationship is enmeshed, it’s because two incomplete people have come together to make one whole person. They each fill in the foundation with their half of the sand and gravel. And then the relationship ends, usually with one person prepared and the other one … not so much. So the leaver extracts everything they had put into the foundation and the foundation crumbles, leaving the leavee to fall through the floor and keep falling endlessly, until they realize it’s just a bad dream – then they can stand up and move on.
I tried that. Epic fail. Apparently it only works when you believe it.
Space Oddity, the first song ever to be recorded in space.
David Bowie’s Space Oddity was released in 1969. It’s been one of my two favorite Bowie songs for a long, long time, although I came by my appreciation for Bowie quite late. Two favorite Bowie songs – no, three. Four. China Girl and Life on Mars? I think. And Kooks. Four. The count goes on.
This is my life now, feeling like Sesame Street’s Count, putting it all back together.
Three! Three beautiful memories! Muaha-ha-ha-ha!